The words contained in this here journal may not make much sense and they may not bear any relation to reality but one thing is for sure, they'll contain the word pasty.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
I come through the front door at half past ten to hear great whoops of merriment from the front room, sounds like my parents, my brother and his wife are a little squiffy again. Taking my shoes off and walking in I have the misfortune to stroll straight into a conversation about masturbation, allowing the snooker cue I was carrying to enter the room before me, poke out from behind the door and rise up in an action similar to that of a raising drawbridge. Continuing along my perfectly innocent way I find myself faced with a room of "adults", sat amongst the remains of a few too many drinks, completely paralysed with laughter! How does one react when your mere entrance to a room has brought such hysteria to everyone around? I just hid in the kitchen. Pffffft! Old people!!
Apart from this momentary lapse in my cool demeanour I have spent the day keeping Capps and Beck in check, the latter of which turned up an hour early to see us. Are me and Capps really such great company? Bought some kinder eggs (I got a crane), ate some chinese and watched "The Usual Suspects" which was a rather good film. Apparently the pair of them are piling round my house for some "chilling" tomorrow, I'd better start making room in the freezer....
Friday, May 09, 2003
Strange markings are appearing on the roads; lines, symbols, numbers and letters etched on tarmac and pavement alike. Great chasms dug mysteriously into the ground overnight with no logical reasoning behind them. Red signs litter the sides of the highways informing us that the "Road Works Ahead", well it's always reassuring to know that something does. To me all this can only mean one thing.... aliens! Well either that or the guys up at County Hall are playing silly buggars.
Around this time of the year the council are spending everything they have left over from last year's budget and as such they've gone on a spate of building shiny new traffic lights (much the horror of road users). Fortunately at the moment cars are not a necessity for movement about the place for me, more that they are a luxury provided by such notable characters as Capps, Jono and the parental taxi service.
Being somewhat of a pedestrianised person you'd think that all these lovely new traffic lights, and they really do look lovely with all those twinkly reds and ambers and greens, wouldn't bother me much. And they don't. What bothers me is that they've built the traffic lights approximately 80 yards from a pedestrian bridge across the same road! Couldn't they have found something better to do with the money then extend the already long queues that appear on that stretch of road? Couldn't they have spent it on more parks for the children? Couldn't they have shifted the money into the local library or payed for a huge street party on may day? I mean a bouncey castle would have been more use, at least it'd have cheered people up.
Being a cynical chap I suspect that they are intentionally causing motorised havoc on the stretch of road so that they can drum up support for a bypass, as well as the new traffic lights they have installed 2 mini-roundabouts this year just a short paper plane's flight apart. If I wasn't such a lazy pacifist I'd write to someone.
Anyway I'm giving you lot the chance to suggest a topic of the weekend, something for me to sink my teeth into and write a lovely report about for you all to read. Stick your suggestions in the comments bit and I'll pick the best and write something about it :)
P.S. SUCCESS! A humiliating loss for Mr Capps in not only snooker but pool too, I'm so proud of myself :D
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Well as a lot of you have noticed the commenting facility is now up and running, hopefully a bit of interactivity will attract the punters to this here place of words and rubbishness.
I am currently wearing shorts as I have been laid out in the sun reading the latest issue of Autosport, a rather fine way for me to spend my time I think. Don't let the sight of my legs put you off your tea, I know they're not the most hansome things in the world but they get me around with adequate speed and dexterity. Already today they've had to walk the two miles into town and the two miles back and don't worry, I managed to counterbalance all of this healthy behaviour with a fine pub lunch.
Attendants at the meal were myself, Capps and Jason the Mincer (Don't ask). Jason is not only one of Capps' many good work mates but also happens to be my brother's best friend. It's a small world isn't it? What makes it even smaller is that one of my Dad's best friends was just the morning interviewing Jason the Mincer about a new position at work. The world is so small it's almost like we all like in the same general location.....
Just had great fun talking to Wend & Ste on yahoo. Those two made a very odd looking couple, one in an eye searingly bright T-Shirt and the other in the aptly named "Granny Gown". And if that wasn't confusing enough they were both trying to talk to me at once! Several hours later and I still havent recovered.
Snooker with Capps again tomorrow, hope I can win this time...
I am currently playing the longest MP3 in my collection, it's twenty five minutes of rain and thunder. I'm not sure quite what is so endearing about the sound of manky weather but I just love it.
The Sound of Rain and Assorted Junk - By Me
Indeed I do, I love the sun,
I shoo away the cloud.
The sun it brings us joyous times,
But it isn't very loud.
So I listen to nature's orchestra,
A concert in the sky.
The thunderhead is weather's amp,
The lightning for my eye.
A tent's outside, a steel car's roof,
It's all the same to me.
I love the sound of rain on stuff,
Even when I need a wee.
I also love the smell of it,
And its ability to douse.
It makes me smile and warms my heart,
Until it floods the house.
Indeed I do, I love the sun,
I'm defenceless to its charms.
The sun it drives our weather and,
My lovely brownish arms.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Went on my longest bike ride to date today on this new fangled moutain climbing thing of mine, I departed clean and came back very muddy indeed. I also managed to scare myself witless on two sperate occasions, both of which had me convinced I was heading straight to the scene of a very nasty accident.
Before any such incident occured I did have a close run thing with a bunch of cows though. Trying to follow a bridle path that was sketchy at best I found myself entering a seemingly empty field with no claer indication of which direction I was supposed to ride. I cycled a little way up the field to get a better view or the surrounding area and thought; "where on earth am I supposed to be going?", "where is this darned gate?", "oooo some cows", "are those cows coming over here?", "why is that one running?", "why are they all running?", "why are they all running towards me!?", "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!". Needless to say I beat a hasty retreat.
My first attempt to ride by the seat of my pants came about through nothing other than my own attempts to impress myself with bravado. Whizzing down a familiar track I knew I was approaching a bump (for "bump" read "launch ramp") and I was determined to get some major air maaaaan. So I raced at the bump as fast as I could, compressed the front springs, and used the combined boing of the rebound and my arms to launch myself into the air. NEEEEOOOOW! I got plenty of air, that's for sure. Problem was that all the air was under the front wheel while the back wheel had remained firmly in contact with mother earth. As I noted just how blue the sky was, and how fluffy the clouds looked, it suddenly dawned on me that riding along a stony track at frightening speed with just one wheel in contact with the ground wasn't such a clever thing to do. It was at that point I became scared witless.
My second dice with death came as I followed a hillside bridleway down through a dense wood and while struggling to control the bike down such a steep bumpy track I rounded a tree to see the gradiant of the slope go from about 1 in 3 to "LOOK OUT! CLIFF!". Unable to stop myself before I plunged off what was essentially a sheer drop I slammed on the rear brake, letting the back wheel simply drag motionless behind me, but even this wasn't enough to slow my decent. Within seconds the trees around me had become nothing but a blur, the bike bouncing around so much I couldn't even begin to make out the shapes of the gloomy forest. So I closed my eyes and waited...
Terror and panic had gripped me and I started to whimper into the darkness, the various chemicals released by the fight or flight reaction doing me no good whatsoever though I had a nagging feeling that flight was somewhat of an apt term. So I closed my eyes and waited, and waited, and waited. The noise, and bone shaking vibrations had stopped, everything was tranquil but for the sound of my racing heart. I waited..... five seconds....... ten, still no noise.... still no impact... Am I dead? I plucked up the courage to open my eyes again...... Relief exploded as I saw all four of my limbs in tact and moving despite having been through an ordeal that had left me in the state of absolute shock that follows something so unexpected and terrifying. "Buggaring Hell!" I thought to myself. "Buggaring Hell! That was fun, I want another go!".
Bike Ride Stats: Total Riding Time = 1 hour 20 minutes and 10 seconds
Distance = 14.57 miles
Average Speed = 10.5 mph
Maximum Speed = 33.1 mph
Rabbit Sightings = 3
Scared Witless = Twice
Everyone seems to be having a bit of a crappy time of it at the moment and I think I'm going to blame it on the sudden burst of cold and rainy weather we've had after all that lovely sunshine. I like to think I'm there for people in times of need, which generally I am, but I never have any idea what the right thing to say is. The only method of speaking I'm skilled at is the language of complete nonsense gibberish. :D
But just remember boys and girls that should you want an ear to talk into I'm always here for the lot of you no matter what you want to discuss; relationships, people, work, sport, whatever, hey and I was quite good at science too so if you need to know your noble gases from your halogens then you can always come and ask me. I may take a long time to explain about them, I may not even get the facts about them right, but you can be sure that unlike google I'll tell you with a smile and a cheap gag!
Monday, May 05, 2003
"You take into account the consequences of actions for other people, whether for benefit or harm, as a consideration in its own right for deciding how one should act towards others. You emphasise relationships, thinking how you might feel if you were on the receiving end. Empathy is important, as well as compassion." - That's more like it! :D
Well the IQ test went well, I found it easier than last year anyways though I have been doing a few puzzles from time to time recently. I do apologise but I'm keeping my IQ under wraps for now :P
I have found a few more online survey things to do at the bbc, personality tests and that kind of rubbish, you can go visit this marvellous page right here. I tried the personality myself and it's given me a load of psychobabble which doesn't sound like me at all.
"and you seem to have described yourself as someone who does tend to be quite cautious and careful" - Huh!? When was the last time a cautious and careful person burnt himself on a curry dish, whizzed down a hill at 40 mph on a moutain bike or broke into a driving range and rearranged the golfballs to say "pasty"?
"Your answers suggest that you may be reluctant at times to consider new approaches and ways of doing things" - What? To prove this one wrong I'm going to write in italics for a bit, see how I have embraced the new way of doing things?
"you are not prepared to put up with being messed about with and are quite comfortable being direct with people, even if this upsets them" - Waaaaaaah! I'm a moster!!
Some of you people know me, am I really an over-cautious fuddy duddy who doesn't mind upsetting people? eeek
